The Origins of the 'Baton des Lesbos'

A concept dreamed up in a Welsh pub where the nearest the steak dinner had ever been to a cow was standing next to it in a field. After a weekend of mincing in a manner to make Noel Coward wonder whether he'd been a bit too butch, we felt an award for extreme cowardice in the face of peer pressure was something in keeping with the ethics of the club.

There's a system for scoring. It's based on the criteria below although an appeal to the Genghis 4.5 is allowed. However we would respectfully suggest you restrain from voicing any feelings of injustice until sufficient beer has been allocated to the executive committee. The expression 'sober as a judge' is not one we have much truck with.

Baton ownership is based on the skewed democracy of the widdle of riders observing all manner of mincing and voting for that which has caught their eye in terms of frequency, longevity and downright pink hot-pant wearing dexterity. So, if seven out of eight people (with you being the eighth) accuse you of mincing, show some dignity and accept the scoring.

The Baton will be rotated regularly. Members shall be expected to proudly brandish the baton prominently in their Camelbaks and “pose with the pump” on request. If this feels like persecution, we respectfully suggest you get more friends.

Baton Scoring

1. Refusing a Section. If faced with a hazard including the "Roots Of Doom", The "Stairway to Hospital", the "Low Hanging Branch of Fear" or "The Gully of Biting Logs", a member refuses due to:
   
   • Wrong tyres
   • Flexy forks
   • Bad fish for breakfast
   • Inappropriate trousers
   • Being a bit gay
   then they shall collect 10 points.

2. Being a Mincer. If your peers extemporise your downhill ability as "a three legged stoat with a head wound" regardless of the fantasy going on in your head, then you shall collect 5 Points.
3. Being Rubbish. Trying again and being rubbish. Having completed a section to the rousing chorus of "you mincer", trying it again and completing it in exactly the same manner. 7 points.
4. Not Turning Up. Excuses such as "the dog's died', "it's a bit cold", "Someone stole all my gears" will be ousted for the mincing euphemisms they clearly are. 15 points.
5. General Mincing. This is a large and somewhat ambiguous section. Ask Nick for details.

What makes a Chiltern 1XVer?

The golden rule of the 1XV is that there are no rules. It’s like Fight Club except with more beer and chips. However, in that cheekily contradictive style, other people may shamefully term a democracy, we do in fact have a few statements that define what we are. But you’ll be unsurprised to hear, they are not very serious. We don’t see this as lying but only because the word mendacious is a bit intellectually challenging and so we’re going to pretend we forgot. Or something. Ok? Good, Read on.

We don’t have rules. We don’t have a charter. We don’t believe that if you have a nice bike or can ride quickly this makes you a better person. We understand bullshit is ok but self aggrandisement isn’t. This isn’t a club thing, it’s a bit of a life statement: Life is too short to drink with assholes.

So the list below is firmly tongue in cheek. If this is a problem for you, we respectfully suggest you get out more.

The Chiltern 1st XV do

1. Turn up for rides. Or make such fantastic excuses they are let off with a spirited cry of “You Mincer”.
2. Have a go at stuff. Falling off is fine. Mincing is fine. But have a go, you may be run over by a bus tomorrow. Or by Dave Perkins, a member to whom pedestrians are nothing more than a slightly mobile chicane.
3. Ride at the pace of the slowest rider. Or behind them if they are of the opposite sex and have a nice arse.
4. Accept the Baton Des Lesbos with good grace. Especially if the words “tyre pressures” have escaped their lips.
5. Understand that someone has to be last
6. Appreciate that self-parody is a good way of getting in first
7. Take the piss, receive the piss, and in some pubs drink stuff close to piss.
8. Stay for a beer. Then stay for another beer.
9. Stand their round. Optionally fall over after their round
10. Think weekends away are better than decorating

The Chiltern 1st XV don’t

1. Take themselves seriously
2. Think string is funny
3. Covet each others bikes (well only a bit)
4. Think being first makes them a better person
5. Worry about tyre pressures

There are probably a lot more things we do and don’t do. But having a good time is the main thing. Everything else is a bonus. Turn up for a ride and see if we’re, er, being mendacious.